The Merkinist

This evening, TV Line relayed the news that CBS has ordered three new shows. One of them, they report, is called called “Friend Me” and “follows two guys who move from Indiana to Los Angeles to begin exciting careers at the deal-finding website, Groupon.”

Let’s make one thing clear: CBS doesn’t give a shit about you, the viewer.

That out of the way, I have four theories about the motivations behind this seemingly-inexplicable move.

1. They are actively trying to see how far they can go before turning off their audience. The blatant racism of “Rob!” and “Two Broke Girls” didn’t do the trick, so maybe a show about a website that sells a bunch of massages and bologna sandwiches for cut rate prices will finally get the channel changed.

2. The show is a rejected QVC pilot that CBS thought would be a better fit with their more senior audience.

3.  Product placement! Who can say tie-ins with 72% off local florists in each TV market?!

4. They thought to themselves, “How can we make the worst possible version of ‘The Social Network,’ without paying attention to any of that Best Picture’s actual themes, or even giving consideration to the correct terminology used by the disaster of a web service that we are making the subject of our show?”